polly's pocket.

wondering.

what i’ll end up doing in this life. where my experiences, collectively, will take me. which part of me, which of my conflicting interests, which of my multitude of talents and/or notable qualities will win out over the others and dictate my future endeavors, or whether what i do will not depend on any of these at all. where i’ll be, whether i’ll see sunshine every day or maybe it will be cold where i am, maybe it’ll be windy or maybe i’ll learn to love rain even more than i do now. who i’ll still be friends with, who will still love me, what new people i’ll meet, and who will have made the largest impact on me. what the culmination of my schooling will lead me to, whether i will find a niche connecting what knowledge and skills i have learned. what i will innovate, who i will influence, to whom i will be introduced. what will change, what will stay the same, whether i will have been able to predict all that i have found and surmounted and become.

at this age i feel that it is so easy to take the way things are now and believe that this is the way they will stay forever. as i’ve been told, this isn’t always the case. which on the one hand is scary, makes me scrunch my nose in discomfort, makes me think too much, and sometimes leaves me uneasy. but in any case i suppose this uncomfortable hypothesis is the truth; i can only trust this is so from books i’ve read, from movies i’ve seen, and from wise adults i’ve talked to.

even so, harboring the notion that “anything is subject to change” doesn’t have to be so overbearing and ominous. it is important to be flexible. still, if you love something or someone in your life, show it, and then keep that something or someone. if you want something in or from your life, go out and fight for that. failure and heartbreak happens, but fall back on the fact that there’s some powerful human qualities that can help. among them, compassion from a support system, and also, the power to forget. by these, i’m continually amazed but moreover i’m pleasantly enlightened. as weeks and months melt away, what i remember most is that i got through something (and who or what helped me through it) rather than the meticulous details of my past problems.

i guess i won’t find answers to my questions too quickly. who knows what people, places, and things i’ll face. what i know is that there’s something out there for me, somewhere i’m headed and in any case, it’s all in front of me. what’s left to do but to keep going?

lesson learned today: when presented with the opportunity in life… order 2 dessert samplers.

today i felt happy just sitting in the park with you.